10 things to do when you get the urge to hate

Don’t take anything personally. It’s the second agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic book The Four Agreements. Ruiz writes “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators.”

In other words it ain’t about you boo! We all have the propensity to hate on someone else. It’s not often a real hate for another, it’s just a bit of envy or a splash of jealousy. As women we tend to compare ourselves to each other and we all know comparison is the thief of joy. Maybe you feel slighted, or you haven’t tuned in to the fact that you are projecting some insecurities outward onto others. Whether it’s throwing a slight bit of shade or spewing full on hatefulness, here are 10 things to do before you make that shady comment, type that nasty text or badmouth someone. Like most things, it could just be a matter of prioritizing self care!

  1. Drink a big glass of water – You may just be dehydrated sis! Sit yourself down with at least 10 oz of water and see if that shadiness doesn’t pass you by.
  2. Grease your scalp – Again, dehydration…no one is nice when their scalp is itching up underneath a weave, wig, or protective style. Go head and put some tea tree oil on there and see if  you feel better.
  3. Read a book- Maybe you’re too caught up in your own life, your wheels are turning nonstop and you just need a brief distraction. When those twitter fingers start itching try picking up a novel and get lost in someone else’s story.
  4. Have an Orgasm- You may just need some good quality D. If there’s none available, take matters into your own hands, but walking around with pent up sexual frustration is guaranteed is sure to bring the pettiness out of you. Handle that.
  5. Meditate- Sometimes we just need to silence the inner chatter. The inner voices that tell us we are not enough, that people are out to get us, that that we are undeserving. When we have a clear channel to connect to the Most High, we can recognize our own divinity and use our energy to express gratitude as opposed to using it to tear down someone else.
  6. Take a shit- No really. When all you feel like doing is talking shit it might be because you’re full of it!
  7. Admire yourself- Sit down in front of the mirror and really take a good, hard, long look. Spend time exploring and admiring  your most beautiful features. Get so caught up in self-love and appreciation that your mind doesn’t even have space to consider the next chick and what she is or isn’t doing.
  8. Go for a run- You may just have a lot of stagnant energy you are holding on to. Sometimes you need to move things through your body. Get that ass up and jog. Get some endorphins pumping and watch all those insecure feelings fade away.
  9. Spend some time in nature- Admire God’s creations. The majestic sunset, the birds in flight, the ocean waves….it’s harder to hate when you are in a space of admiration for all living things.
  10. Count your blessings- Everybody is #blessed right? Don’t just hashtag it, embody it. How can you be counting #blessingsonblessings and still be concerned about anything anyone else is doing?

 

Changing my relationship with money

I’m realizing I’ve held a very fixed, black and white view of money for a while now. It’s either sacrifice, miss out , restrict and hoard resources for the benefit of my future OR enjoy, take part, consume and experience at the expense of my future. When I think about it, no matter what my financial situation is at the time, whether I’m flush with cash or my resources are spread thin I’ve had the same negative emotions around sending money. I always question any purchase that isn’t directly related to my survival. 9/10 times my feeling is negative.

“Yeah I really enjoyed this concert but I could’ve put the money in savings” (Guilt)

“Ok,I’m buying myself this item but then I’m not spending another dollar for two weeks” (Punishment)

“This is the perfect gift for______ but I don’t feel comfortable buying it now, my account is kind of low”(Scarcity)

I feel free and generous in every part of my life so why when it comes paper currency do I feel tight and negative? I’m done feeling that way. Money never truly belongs to you, it’s just your turn with it. I have not once found myself without shelter,clothing or food. To the contrary, I live a full life. The crazy thing is that in all the scenarios above, I have the money!! It’s not an issue of lack, it’s an issue of mindset and training my mind not to focus on absence but on all that I have right here and right now and using that feeling to be at peace. That is not to say, there is no need to save or to be pragmatic with money. It simply means I can be at peace knowing that I have all that I need and remember that I am an abundant being. Not only abundant in health,spirit, love, and joy but also in resources.

Lessons from 37

I just celebrated my 38th birthday a few days ago and I always like to do a sort of year in review. I find that reflecting on the past year helps me set my intentions for the new year. Here’s what I’ve learned.

  • Respect the seasons  – We all want our ideas and projects to blossom. I’ve had to learn how to fully respect and appreciate the planting stage and the patience stage while waiting for the seeds I’ve planted to bloom. Sometimes it feels like I’m not “doing anything” and instead of sitting back comfortably and allowing for rest knowing I’ve been planting  seeds, I fill up with restlessness and anxiety. It doesn’t serve me and I’ll be doing my best to cut it out.
  • Empathetic and selfish –   I’m very empathetic and can almost always see and understand someone else’s point of view and extend grace. However when someone’s actions directly effect me, that grace is a little harder to extend. This year I’m making it a point to not let my self absorption stand in the way of being able to empathize fully. In other words, it ain’t always about me.
  • Importance of being one with what is – One of my mom’s favorite sayings is “It is what it is” and while I know that, sometimes I still let whatever it is bother me. I’m still resistant to it which is a complete waste of energy. I’m letting go of the idea of acceptance is a form of weakness. It doesn’t make me any stronger to fight against something that is already happening.
  • Giving no fucks – One of the best parts of getting older for me is placing less value on others perceptions of who I am. I feel 100% confident in who I am and that allows for a certain freedom. This past year I felt like I truly stepped into that freedom.
  • Understanding the value of a life partner – The combination of my independent nature and the residual feelings from a failed marriage caused me to downplay the importance of a significant other. I’m used to carrying my own weight, so to speak and have felt what it’s like to put your complete trust into another person you have formed a supposed lifelong union with only to be betrayed. I love love and give of it freely but when it comes to romantic relationships I’ve minimized the impact of just how valuable it is to have a  loving and supportive partner. My life has been enhanced and acknowledging that doesn’t make me any less independent, free spirited or self-sufficient.

I will not be humble or sit down.

hum•ble

  1. having or showing a modest or low estimate of ones own importance.

No ma’am. I happen to think I am very important. I think very highly of myself and I think you should too. I’m not perfect or above reproach. I am flawed in many ways but I most certainly don’t have a low estimate of my own importance. I think we need to change the way we view being humble. I think you should feel yourself, big yourself up and not be afraid to let the world know that YOU know that you are the shit. We all have good days and bad days but to be aware of and remain in gratitude for your own light and divinity…..that goes a long way. I believe in being proud and celebrating yourself fully, even when/if nobody else does.

  • My life doesn’t have any more or less value than another human being
  • Be kind to all humans I come into contact with
  • Understand that there is always something I can learn from someone
  • Being good at something doesn’t make me the sole authority on it
  • Use my gifts, skills, talents for good not to deceive or get ahead at the expense of others

These are the values I hold tight to. As long as I never lose sight of them I am perfectly comfortable telling the world how highly I think of myself, and I think you should be too.

 

“You are always a valuable worthwhile human being not because anybody says so, not because you’re successful, not because you make a lot of money but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason”- Wayne Dyer

Seasoned.

This past Sunday morning I woke up feeling all the familiar nervous energy of show day. In the past few years I’ve shifted my focus from performing to teaching. Honestly, I think I’m a much better instructor than I am a dancer but that’s here nor there. In any case, it’s been a very long time since I’ve taken the stage to perform choreography that wasn’t my own and I was excited. As I started to prepare and get ready to go to the venue I felt like I was 12 years old again. I was brought back to that same exact feeling of packing up my little caboodle, going over routines in my head, triple checking my dance bag and feeling full of joy, knowing that soon I would get to be on one of places most comfortable to me, the stage. This feeling has been a part of my life at so many junctures. As a little girl trying to win a trophy, as a high school student looking for respect and admiration from her peers, as a college student with a new understanding about dance composition and as a young woman in Vegas paying the bills with show gigs.

The feeling was comforting in a way that I didn’t expect and I couldn’t help but to stop and observe that despite me feeling 12 years old inside, how much my life had changed on the outside. As I prepped my face for makeup I chuckled to myself that my routine now included age renewal eye cream. Lack of flexibility has always been my weakness so I’d always give myself extra time to stretch, now I went to an actual stretch studio where trained massage therapists release my fascia and guide me through assisted stretches. Wow. I never had to go on stage carrying any real baggage. On this show day however, I discovered my 11 year old daughter had reactivated a social media account that I made her delete and I was furious. I had to set that aside for the time being.

Damn. I felt 12 inside but on the outside I was dealing with age creams, stretch studios and mommy problems. For a split second I was like damn girl you old but before that thought could even settle in I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude for my mom and dad who paid for all of these dance classes throughout the years. For shuffling me around to this practice and that rehearsal, this recital and that competition. For showing up in the audience and making sure I was supported. Gratitude that I’ve found a warm and welcoming dance community in Austin. Gratitude that 33 years after I put on my first little tutu at daycare I’m still here. I’m so thankful that I’ve been able to find and hold on to the thing that keeps my spirit young and joyful. I ain’t stopping anytime soon.

Photo Credit: Earl McGehee

Dear Entrepreneur

Trust:

That when your body says rest, it’s time to rest.

That you will feel energized and spring into action when the time is right, no outside motivation needed.

That you do not need to be in constant motion to be productive.

That if you’ve been doing the work, the opportunities will present themselves.

That things are aligning in your favor that you don’t yet know about.

That authenticity will always be in demand and there is no need to alter who you are or pander to trendiness.

That your idea may not be unique but the way you execute it will be. Don’t be afraid to do what’s already being done YOUR way.

That you aren’t seeing even a sliver of your peers failures or disappointments .

That your worth is intrinsic and isn’t dependent on how many people purchase your goods, services or art.

That some seeds won’t bear fruit for quite some time.  They are still growing.

That it’s ok to redefine what success looks like to you as you grow.

That you don’t have anything to prove to anyone. Don’t cling to a mistake because you spent a long time making it. It’s never too late to change course.

Motherhood

I was not one of those little girls who loved baby dolls. I didn’t have any younger siblings and my one attempt at “watching” my little cousin ended with him falling into the coin fountain at Marketplace Mall. I reluctantly became a Red Cross certified baby sitter at age 13 because my mom thought it made sense. I remember being worried because talking in that high pitched singsong voice people use with babies and kids didn’t come natural. When I decided to have a baby I wondered how a person like me who didn’t feel an urge to play peekaboo with infants in the grocery line and didn’t kneel down to get on eye level when speaking to toddlers would fare with motherhood. Fall in love, get married, have a baby, that’s what you’re supposed to do right? I was on the right track, or so I thought. My ego was lit up when my then husband told me he wanted a daughter who looked just like me. I now see that comment for what it really is but at the time it was fairy tale living.

We got married in June, I stopped taking birth control in December and got a positive pregnancy test in January. As I went through my pregnancy I became increasingly concerned that becoming a mother would mean saying goodbye to myself.  If I’m being honest I was having a baby because it was what I viewed as the next step in the trajectory of my life, not because I had an overwhelming urge to become a mother. I wondered if I could still be a good mother without motherhood taking over my whole being . My worst nightmare was becoming one of those mothers who couldn’t hold a conversation about anything not pertaining to kids and child rearing. I decided then that I would not become that mom.

Fast forward to present day and me chaperoning my 11 year old 6th grader on her field trip. I surprised her with the news that I was coming on the field trip and while I’ve been going on her field trips in 6th grade its different. It’s no longer cool. She protested and got all dramatic about me coming but once I was there I could tell she was happy her mama was there and I was glad to be present in that moment for her. As I look at her and realize that the days of chaperoning field trips are numbered and hoping that she looks back on this period of her life fondly, it hits me that maybe by loving and caring for her while continuing to make space and time for the things that make me feel like alive, she is learning what self care looks like. I hope she holds all the memories of birthday parties, summer camps, activities and trips but it’s more important to me that she recalls fondly the way we lived and interacted with each other on a day to day basis. I hope that the stability I strive so hard to create for her empowers her to be bold and take risks.

Motherhood is hard as shit and I haven’t even hit the teenage years yet. It can shine a light on your worst character flaws and force you to examine your behavior more closely. I was so worried about being a different version of myself when in reality I’m a better version. There is delicate balance of protecting her and at the same time allowing her the space to explore and make mistakes. Of passing on knowledge without projecting my perceptions of the world onto her. Of seeing her as my reflection and honoring the individual she is. I think it would be much harder to navigate all of this if I hadn’t made a commitment to continuing to work on myself in the midst of motherhood and it’s already quite hard as it is . I still feel like I’m failing a lot of the time and I still laugh to myself like damn you really don’t know WTF you’re doing do you? I still call my mom for parenting advice. Bottom line is the shit isn’t figured out. As a mother you really just are doing the best that you can every day.