10 things to do when you get the urge to hate

Don’t take anything personally. It’s the second agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic book The Four Agreements. Ruiz writes “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators.”

In other words it ain’t about you boo! We all have the propensity to hate on someone else. It’s not often a real hate for another, it’s just a bit of envy or a splash of jealousy. As women we tend to compare ourselves to each other and we all know comparison is the thief of joy. Maybe you feel slighted, or you haven’t tuned in to the fact that you are projecting some insecurities outward onto others. Whether it’s throwing a slight bit of shade or spewing full on hatefulness, here are 10 things to do before you make that shady comment, type that nasty text or badmouth someone. Like most things, it could just be a matter of prioritizing self care!

  1. Drink a big glass of water – You may just be dehydrated sis! Sit yourself down with at least 10 oz of water and see if that shadiness doesn’t pass you by.
  2. Grease your scalp – Again, dehydration…no one is nice when their scalp is itching up underneath a weave, wig, or protective style. Go head and put some tea tree oil on there and see if  you feel better.
  3. Read a book- Maybe you’re too caught up in your own life, your wheels are turning nonstop and you just need a brief distraction. When those twitter fingers start itching try picking up a novel and get lost in someone else’s story.
  4. Have an Orgasm- You may just need some good quality D. If there’s none available, take matters into your own hands, but walking around with pent up sexual frustration is guaranteed is sure to bring the pettiness out of you. Handle that.
  5. Meditate- Sometimes we just need to silence the inner chatter. The inner voices that tell us we are not enough, that people are out to get us, that that we are undeserving. When we have a clear channel to connect to the Most High, we can recognize our own divinity and use our energy to express gratitude as opposed to using it to tear down someone else.
  6. Take a shit- No really. When all you feel like doing is talking shit it might be because you’re full of it!
  7. Admire yourself- Sit down in front of the mirror and really take a good, hard, long look. Spend time exploring and admiring  your most beautiful features. Get so caught up in self-love and appreciation that your mind doesn’t even have space to consider the next chick and what she is or isn’t doing.
  8. Go for a run- You may just have a lot of stagnant energy you are holding on to. Sometimes you need to move things through your body. Get that ass up and jog. Get some endorphins pumping and watch all those insecure feelings fade away.
  9. Spend some time in nature- Admire God’s creations. The majestic sunset, the birds in flight, the ocean waves….it’s harder to hate when you are in a space of admiration for all living things.
  10. Count your blessings- Everybody is #blessed right? Don’t just hashtag it, embody it. How can you be counting #blessingsonblessings and still be concerned about anything anyone else is doing?

 

Lessons from 37

I just celebrated my 38th birthday a few days ago and I always like to do a sort of year in review. I find that reflecting on the past year helps me set my intentions for the new year. Here’s what I’ve learned.

  • Respect the seasons  – We all want our ideas and projects to blossom. I’ve had to learn how to fully respect and appreciate the planting stage and the patience stage while waiting for the seeds I’ve planted to bloom. Sometimes it feels like I’m not “doing anything” and instead of sitting back comfortably and allowing for rest knowing I’ve been planting  seeds, I fill up with restlessness and anxiety. It doesn’t serve me and I’ll be doing my best to cut it out.
  • Empathetic and selfish –   I’m very empathetic and can almost always see and understand someone else’s point of view and extend grace. However when someone’s actions directly effect me, that grace is a little harder to extend. This year I’m making it a point to not let my self absorption stand in the way of being able to empathize fully. In other words, it ain’t always about me.
  • Importance of being one with what is – One of my mom’s favorite sayings is “It is what it is” and while I know that, sometimes I still let whatever it is bother me. I’m still resistant to it which is a complete waste of energy. I’m letting go of the idea of acceptance is a form of weakness. It doesn’t make me any stronger to fight against something that is already happening.
  • Giving no fucks – One of the best parts of getting older for me is placing less value on others perceptions of who I am. I feel 100% confident in who I am and that allows for a certain freedom. This past year I felt like I truly stepped into that freedom.
  • Understanding the value of a life partner – The combination of my independent nature and the residual feelings from a failed marriage caused me to downplay the importance of a significant other. I’m used to carrying my own weight, so to speak and have felt what it’s like to put your complete trust into another person you have formed a supposed lifelong union with only to be betrayed. I love love and give of it freely but when it comes to romantic relationships I’ve minimized the impact of just how valuable it is to have a  loving and supportive partner. My life has been enhanced and acknowledging that doesn’t make me any less independent, free spirited or self-sufficient.

Creating Your Season

So I’m big into seasons. The tagline for this blog is creating your season all year ’round. Anyone who knows me knows that I refer to April 17-May 31 as MY season. My birthday is on the 17th of May and I consider that the start of my new year. May 16 is my new years eve. From the time the 4 week countdown begins till the end of May I’m in full on celebration mode. Life is a party and I’m the guest of honor. I feel powerful, unstoppable, energetic, playful and ready for whatever.Nobody can tell me shit and I feel really light in spirit. For some people that feeling comes in the new calendar year. They approach January as a time to make bold declarations about what they will implement for the new year and feel pumped up and ready to take on the world. Others feel a surge of joy and lightness in summer, more sun and longer days fueling  both their productivity and sense of adventure. Whatever that special season is for you wouldn’t it be wonderful to live and feel that way all year long? I started thinking about what is it I’m tapping into that makes me feel so powerful, aligned and adventurous. How can I create this all year? So I broke it down .

What are the feelings?

  • Refusal to let anything get me down- Don’t bring a cloud to rain on my parade!
  • Playfulness – Hey I’ve made it another year let’s try something new
  • More time spent in meditation and prayer- Talking and listening to the Most High
  • Generous with myself and others, getting what I want without my usual price comparisons and find myself treating my friends more often as well – Ballin!
  • I see everything as working out in my favor-All I do is win win win no matter what!
  • I’m more attuned to beauty and take more time with makeup ,clothing choice and adornments for myself than I usually do- Glamorous Life honey!

How do I recreate these feelings?

  • Faith- Understanding that even seemingly “down” periods are ultimately to my benefit and needed to create a balance
  • Grace- Knowing that I am blessed even when I feel unworthy and that help from a higher power is always available to me
  • Patience- Not rushing myself through slower, more restful periods. Allowing myself to be in them with no pressure to get back to high productivity. Knowing that once I’m rested,inspired, and have clarity I will naturally shift gears.
  • Curiosity- Staying curious about life and all it has to offer me. Seeking out adventure and staying open to learning and trying new things
  • Abundance- Feeling that it’s ok to splurge on what I really want or treat a friend to lunch. At any particular time.
  • Keep it Glamorous- Tap into the fun of feminine dress, makeup and adornments.

Have I been successful at creating my season year ’round? Somewhat. I’m a work in progress and there are times when I get stuck. I have to remind myself often to keep it glamorous as I tend to  prefer sweats, unmatching socks and zero makeup in my day-to-day life and it also takes some effort for me to truly remain in an abundance mindset. Patience with myself is another one that trips me up from time to time. But when I can take some time to think about how damn good I feel April 17-May 31 and having identified exactly what I’m feeling and what is required of me to hold on to those feelings I do a pretty good job at creating and staying in my season all year long and I wanted to share in the hopes that it helps others create and stay in theirs.