I’m fully in favor of letting your girlfriend know that you have reservations about her relationship. I’m aware this may be an “unpopular opinion” so let me break it down. I have a few friends going through breakups and rough patches right now and another friend who is totally and completely in love and invested in a relationship that I have serious reservations about, which yes I have expressed to her. Thinking about these situations and reflecting on my own past relationships, particularly my marriage , which ended up causing me the most trauma led me to conclude that it shouldn’t be taboo to holla at ya girl if you feel a way, intuitively about her relationship. It’s a very slippery slope but I feel like it can be handled the right way. Now just to be clear I’m not advocating coming to your girl with information about her man. Nope, coming to her about what you “heard” is gossipy and sure to cause problems. I’m talking to her about how you feel.
Now you may be asking yourself “Why should I care about how my friend “feels” about my relationship?” She’s not in it, it doesn’t concern her etc. But here’s the thing, You concern her. Now I don’t feel that you need to be weighing in on people’s stuff all willy nilly. There are some rules of engagement.
- The person must be a tier one friend. Your GIRL. Not a work buddy, not a chick you’ve went out with for drinks a few times, not an acquaintance but your tier one friend. You have history. See, I know that my tier one friends are always looking out for my best interest. The casual friend could be accused of hating or trying to stir up drama or discontent but I know that’s not even an option with my tier ones. I know that if they are sharing something with me it’s out of true concern for my well-being. Their methods aren’t always perfect but their intentions are not doubted.
- Delivery is important. Some of us are capable of being more delicate and diplomatic than others but if you want your concerns heard then deliver it in a compassionate way. This is about your friend, not about her man. The more you bring him up the more defensiveness is likely. Keep the conversation centered around your friend.
- Say your piece and let it go. 9 times out of 10 no direct action will come out of your conversation. That doesn’t mean you get to keep having it. At the end of the day it’s not your life or your choice. By let it go I don’t just mean don’t bring it up again, I mean release whatever misgivings you had and work towards acceptance of the choice that your dear friend has made. After all you could be wrong and you have to be prepared to accept that down the line. Time will reveal and we have to let it run it’s course. It was my own life lessons that led me to form this opinion. I was in a long-term relationship all 4 years of college and one of my tier one friends let me know how disappointed she was that I was planning to move to Las Vegas and questioned what that meant for my relationship. She was a supporter of the relationship and thought I was being selfish and throwing away an opportunity to build with a good man. She thought that moving out to Vegas and leaving this man behind was a big mistake and told me about it. At the time I was upset because it seemed as if she was more concerned with him than me. It was my life and I knew that if I stayed in Rochester I wouldn’t have the life that I envisioned for myself, and although they had developed a friendship she was my friend not his so why was she trippin? It created a tension for a spell but that was 15 years ago. This woman was a bridesmaid in my wedding to someone else 8 years after the fact and we communicate almost daily today. Ah, my wedding……. another instance in which a tier one friend , actually my best friend, made her voice heard. While we were engaged my then fiancée cheated on me. After convincing myself that this wasn’t his m.o and he had just made a mistake (spoiler alert: I was wrong) and going to a little counseling I decided to move forward with the wedding on the scheduled date. I told everyone that I had made a choice and I was moving forward. Everyone let me know I had their support. She was the only one that questioned me , that asked if I really wanted to do this and urged me to at least push the wedding back so I could really evaluate the situation thoroughly. I didn’t. We ended up divorcing after 5 years because he was having an affair. Shocker.
In both cases my friends sharing their concerns didn’t result in me changing my mind. I moved forward with my own decided upon course of action because as a Taurus woman I’m about as headstrong and stubborn as they come . But I appreciate them for looking out for me. I’m grateful that I’m not surrounded by a bunch of yes people and that I have friends who have enough courage to share their feelings with me even when they know it’s not what I want to hear. The point isn’t really about whether your friend stays or leaves the relationship you may feel isn’t best for her it’s about feeling that you have the type of sista friends who can be transparent and not just laugh and joke and share in the good times but also have the harder conversations with you even if they aren’t sure how they’ll be received.
In the past two weeks I’ve been a part of 2 performances. One behind the scenes as the choreographer and the other front and center as a performer before an audience. As I contemplated both experiences it hit me just how important performance is to the learning process. Of course not all art is performance based, some art is created and is then interpreted by the person viewing it or reading the words on the page. The artist themself has completed the work and they don’t necessarily perform it. But that’s what I love about the performing arts, the variance in the skill sets of songwriter/singer, screenwriter/actor, choreographer/dancer.
My greatest strength has always been in performing. I love to choreograph and bring out the best in others and I love being a student of dance in general but it’s in taking on the task of trying to convey something to an audience where I’m most at home. I’ve always loved dancing in front of people but I as I got older I also focused on my performance out of necessity. My body type, lack of flexibility and decent but not outstanding technique were all working against me but I knew that despite all of that I could always be a commanding presence on the stage. My kicks may not be as high, my feet may not be pointed as beautifully but damn it when I take that stage you will take notice and look at me.
My students that I set choreography for absolutely killed it last week. They commanded the stage and made people look. No one in the audience knew that their trio started as a group of 6, or that they had never twerked on stage before or that the shorts they ordered to perform in weren’t quite what they had in mind. During the show I went backstage to congratulate them and a dancer in another piece was in tears, mascara running and all. I’m not quite sure why but usually if a dancer is crying backstage it’s because they feel they’ve made a blunder onstage. All I know is that in the 2 minutes it took me to get back to my chair she was onstage in another routine and crushing it! I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. After the show I was compelled to tell her that I had seen how upset she was just moments before and how proud and full of respect I was after seeing her pull her shit together and give the audience life!
This is what it’s about. How do you show up in your life?
We all deal with so many behind the scenes things that happen day-to-day that can impact how we take the proverbial stage of life but we can decide if we allow them to affect our performance or not. It’s not about impressing other people or wearing a mask, it’s about deciding to show up every day as an active participant in your life. As the saying goes “Life is not a dress rehearsal”. While I agree with that in a sense, I feel like it’s a little disrespectful to the concept of dress rehearsals. Dress rehearsal is where you figure it all out. Where you tweak, adjust and get comfortable with all of the variables . I was always taught to go full out in the dress rehearsal as the only difference between that and the performance was the addition of an audience. The beautiful thing about life is that if you’re lucky you get another day to take stage. Another chance to show up for your life and the people in it the way you want to.
Image Credit: Earl McGehee
Life out in the real word doesn’t come with trigger warnings. At any time life could present us with a disturbing set of circumstances so it’s important that we arm ourselves with the necessary tools to ensure that we can maintain our balance when shit gets real. That’s where rituals and routines come in. Having something that you do every day regardless of your situation or environment serves as an anchor. It gives you stability in uncertain times and provides you an opportunity to reflect in gratitude in calmer, happier times.
For me, having a ritual allows me to be in observance of myself. To see myself not as someone just in the wind, blowing wherever the circumstances dictate but as a person with the ability to stay rooted and to honor the commitments I make to myself no matter what. That’s gone a long way in building my confidence and self-reliance. When I first moved to Austin I started taking walks in my neighborhood park every morning. I had no job, I was unsure of how my daughter would adjust to life in a new city and nothing was stable. It made me feel good that although I didn’t yet have a favorite breakfast place, didn’t know where to get my hair done, and had no established hangouts, I had my walk. The seasons changed and I had my walk. A few suitors came and left and I was still walking. I saw the older lady I usually greeted along the path who was always alone begin to pop up holding hands with a gentleman and gazing lovingly at him as they walked. Park lady had found a boo and I was still walking!
By creating this every day routine I was able to feel connected even though everything around me was changing. At different times in my life the ritual was different. In high school I would wake up and do 50 crunches, for a spell of my time in Vegas it was a cup of coffee and listening to James Brown. In Austin it’s been the walk. These days I don’t go to the park every morning but I do make it a priority to adhere to a daily ritual. Whether it’s simply listening to uplifting music, doing breathing exercises, practicing yoga or going for a run, any positive habit you can put into practice on an everyday basis is a step towards self accountability and the strength you need to be able to weather any storm.
If only I had a dollar for every time someone told me “I would love to come to your classes but I can’t dance”. I’d like to clear up the misconception that dance class is only for those who have dance experience. There is something powerful and healing about moving in time to music, moving in unison with other people and learning how to control your body in ways you never thought you could. You don’t need experience in a class setting to enjoy that.
I get that social media has changed how we view dance classes. We only see the very end of class where people are killin’ it. The “For the Gram” version where the lighting is perfect, the angles are poppin’ and everyone has full command of the choreography. What we are really seeing on our news feeds and timelines is a performance in a class setting. We see nothing about the actual learning process. Now don’t get me wrong I can get into to that. At the end of my Twerk N Burn class I usually record a version “For the Gram” and want it to be as live and on point as possible. It feels good to slay the choreo and have those “Yassss Bitch!” moments. As an instructor it’s good promotion for what I’m offering. However, I’ve come to realize that as a teacher, while I love seeing students fully absorb the movement and show out, it gives me more joy to see something click for the person who just came to support their friend, the woman who walked in shy and unsure or the person who doesn’t give a damn about the steps and is just basking in the good energy!
I’ve been a student of dance for 33 years and I know what it’s like to not get it. To not be in the “good group”, to fumble across the floor and be completely lost. When you are training at a certain level those moments are bound to happen. But many people who come to adult dance classes aren’t necessarily training. They just want to have fun and improve. I’ve started to create more class spaces that are rooted in that vibe because I’ve realized how important it is to make dance more accessible to people regardless of their level of experience. I don’t think my gift is taking trained dancers and elevating them to an elite level, it’s bringing out the best in people who just want to move.
Dance has been such an outlet for me my whole life. It strengthens the body, sharpens the mind and helps keep me youthful. There is an abundance of quality adult classes in Austin to experience. Find the instructors you vibe with and take a few classes. Everyone ought to experience the stress release, mind-body connection and enormous confidence boost that comes with taking a dance class. You don’t have to be a dancer to live the dance life!