It served its purpose

Pictured is me on January 30, some 8 years ago.  About to get ready for work on the right and at work at Crazy Horse III, a strip club in Las Vegas on the left. I was going through and deleting old pictures on my phone and these two stopped me in my tracks. Taken just a few hours apart, the stark contrast caught my attention and then the realization that wow,these two photos appear to depict a totally different person but in reality they represent two very whole parts of who I am.

Days were spent doing school drop-offs and pick-ups, working out at the gym or practicing yoga, preparing clean meals, reading books on spiritual growth and personal development, maybe spending time with my parents….. Nights were spent in full hair and makeup, flirting and talking to men about shit that didn’t matter, taking shots of tequila in a smoke filled club, shaking my ass and charming men out of their money.

During my time in that industry, I kept other jobs that were more in alignment with my purpose, teaching the odd dance class here and there, working part time for a nonprofit and later as fitness instructor.Perhaps that’s what allowed me to see it as a job and not a lifestyle . In the beginning I never knew whether to be flattered or offended when men would tell me I looked and sounded like I didn’t belong in the club, or questioned why I worked there as a woman coming from a healthy two parent home with a college degree.

Working as an exotic dancer was a way for me to make a lot of money in a little time. That’s it. Like many women , I stayed in the industry past when it was enjoyable to me because I had grown accustomed to the lifestyle it provided and I had plenty of financial obligations to take care of. What drew me to becoming  an exotic dancer was the money first and foremost. A Taurean woman through and through, I value stability above all else and money is a way to ensure a certain level of stability.  But honestly it was also appealing to me. I enjoyed dressing up and playing vixen, I enjoyed drinking and smoking, I enjoyed hustling, I enjoyed being onstage and being center of attention. I enjoyed going home with a fat, comforting wad of cash.

Until I didn’t.

I have never cared too much about people’s judgement about being a stripper. It was not a secret. I didn’t necessarily shout it from the mountain tops but it never was a source of shame. I did take notice about when it stopped feeling right to me. I began to feel a calling towards using my time to do something more aligned with my purpose, to start building a legacy. So I left Las Vegas, moved to Austin and began to use my professional dance training to develop programming that could help women realize that those so called darker desires aren’t shameful. To move sensually, to entice, to drink and cuss, to twerk, to present as a sexpot or a vixen…. these are all expressions of the complex beings that we are. There is power in the erotic. There is transformation in the sensual. You can explore that without being in a club environment surrounded by the male gaze.

As my one of my close sista friends says…. we are #fullasshumans.

The work that I did in the clubs informed the work that I do in the present. Yeah maybe I stayed a little too long, yeah I probably should’ve saved more money, but in retrospect I am able to see how my time in that industry served its purpose.

 

Lessons from 37

I just celebrated my 38th birthday a few days ago and I always like to do a sort of year in review. I find that reflecting on the past year helps me set my intentions for the new year. Here’s what I’ve learned.

  • Respect the seasons  – We all want our ideas and projects to blossom. I’ve had to learn how to fully respect and appreciate the planting stage and the patience stage while waiting for the seeds I’ve planted to bloom. Sometimes it feels like I’m not “doing anything” and instead of sitting back comfortably and allowing for rest knowing I’ve been planting  seeds, I fill up with restlessness and anxiety. It doesn’t serve me and I’ll be doing my best to cut it out.
  • Empathetic and selfish –   I’m very empathetic and can almost always see and understand someone else’s point of view and extend grace. However when someone’s actions directly effect me, that grace is a little harder to extend. This year I’m making it a point to not let my self absorption stand in the way of being able to empathize fully. In other words, it ain’t always about me.
  • Importance of being one with what is – One of my mom’s favorite sayings is “It is what it is” and while I know that, sometimes I still let whatever it is bother me. I’m still resistant to it which is a complete waste of energy. I’m letting go of the idea of acceptance is a form of weakness. It doesn’t make me any stronger to fight against something that is already happening.
  • Giving no fucks – One of the best parts of getting older for me is placing less value on others perceptions of who I am. I feel 100% confident in who I am and that allows for a certain freedom. This past year I felt like I truly stepped into that freedom.
  • Understanding the value of a life partner – The combination of my independent nature and the residual feelings from a failed marriage caused me to downplay the importance of a significant other. I’m used to carrying my own weight, so to speak and have felt what it’s like to put your complete trust into another person you have formed a supposed lifelong union with only to be betrayed. I love love and give of it freely but when it comes to romantic relationships I’ve minimized the impact of just how valuable it is to have a  loving and supportive partner. My life has been enhanced and acknowledging that doesn’t make me any less independent, free spirited or self-sufficient.

I will not be humble or sit down.

hum•ble

  1. having or showing a modest or low estimate of ones own importance.

No ma’am. I happen to think I am very important. I think very highly of myself and I think you should too. I’m not perfect or above reproach. I am flawed in many ways but I most certainly don’t have a low estimate of my own importance. I think we need to change the way we view being humble. I think you should feel yourself, big yourself up and not be afraid to let the world know that YOU know that you are the shit. We all have good days and bad days but to be aware of and remain in gratitude for your own light and divinity…..that goes a long way. I believe in being proud and celebrating yourself fully, even when/if nobody else does.

  • My life doesn’t have any more or less value than another human being
  • Be kind to all humans I come into contact with
  • Understand that there is always something I can learn from someone
  • Being good at something doesn’t make me the sole authority on it
  • Use my gifts, skills, talents for good not to deceive or get ahead at the expense of others

These are the values I hold tight to. As long as I never lose sight of them I am perfectly comfortable telling the world how highly I think of myself, and I think you should be too.

 

“You are always a valuable worthwhile human being not because anybody says so, not because you’re successful, not because you make a lot of money but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason”- Wayne Dyer

Creating Your Season

So I’m big into seasons. The tagline for this blog is creating your season all year ’round. Anyone who knows me knows that I refer to April 17-May 31 as MY season. My birthday is on the 17th of May and I consider that the start of my new year. May 16 is my new years eve. From the time the 4 week countdown begins till the end of May I’m in full on celebration mode. Life is a party and I’m the guest of honor. I feel powerful, unstoppable, energetic, playful and ready for whatever.Nobody can tell me shit and I feel really light in spirit. For some people that feeling comes in the new calendar year. They approach January as a time to make bold declarations about what they will implement for the new year and feel pumped up and ready to take on the world. Others feel a surge of joy and lightness in summer, more sun and longer days fueling  both their productivity and sense of adventure. Whatever that special season is for you wouldn’t it be wonderful to live and feel that way all year long? I started thinking about what is it I’m tapping into that makes me feel so powerful, aligned and adventurous. How can I create this all year? So I broke it down .

What are the feelings?

  • Refusal to let anything get me down- Don’t bring a cloud to rain on my parade!
  • Playfulness – Hey I’ve made it another year let’s try something new
  • More time spent in meditation and prayer- Talking and listening to the Most High
  • Generous with myself and others, getting what I want without my usual price comparisons and find myself treating my friends more often as well – Ballin!
  • I see everything as working out in my favor-All I do is win win win no matter what!
  • I’m more attuned to beauty and take more time with makeup ,clothing choice and adornments for myself than I usually do- Glamorous Life honey!

How do I recreate these feelings?

  • Faith- Understanding that even seemingly “down” periods are ultimately to my benefit and needed to create a balance
  • Grace- Knowing that I am blessed even when I feel unworthy and that help from a higher power is always available to me
  • Patience- Not rushing myself through slower, more restful periods. Allowing myself to be in them with no pressure to get back to high productivity. Knowing that once I’m rested,inspired, and have clarity I will naturally shift gears.
  • Curiosity- Staying curious about life and all it has to offer me. Seeking out adventure and staying open to learning and trying new things
  • Abundance- Feeling that it’s ok to splurge on what I really want or treat a friend to lunch. At any particular time.
  • Keep it Glamorous- Tap into the fun of feminine dress, makeup and adornments.

Have I been successful at creating my season year ’round? Somewhat. I’m a work in progress and there are times when I get stuck. I have to remind myself often to keep it glamorous as I tend to  prefer sweats, unmatching socks and zero makeup in my day-to-day life and it also takes some effort for me to truly remain in an abundance mindset. Patience with myself is another one that trips me up from time to time. But when I can take some time to think about how damn good I feel April 17-May 31 and having identified exactly what I’m feeling and what is required of me to hold on to those feelings I do a pretty good job at creating and staying in my season all year long and I wanted to share in the hopes that it helps others create and stay in theirs.