10 things to do when you get the urge to hate

Don’t take anything personally. It’s the second agreement from Don Miguel Ruiz’s classic book The Four Agreements. Ruiz writes “Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds…Taking things personally makes you easy prey for these predators.”

In other words it ain’t about you boo! We all have the propensity to hate on someone else. It’s not often a real hate for another, it’s just a bit of envy or a splash of jealousy. As women we tend to compare ourselves to each other and we all know comparison is the thief of joy. Maybe you feel slighted, or you haven’t tuned in to the fact that you are projecting some insecurities outward onto others. Whether it’s throwing a slight bit of shade or spewing full on hatefulness, here are 10 things to do before you make that shady comment, type that nasty text or badmouth someone. Like most things, it could just be a matter of prioritizing self care!

  1. Drink a big glass of water – You may just be dehydrated sis! Sit yourself down with at least 10 oz of water and see if that shadiness doesn’t pass you by.
  2. Grease your scalp – Again, dehydration…no one is nice when their scalp is itching up underneath a weave, wig, or protective style. Go head and put some tea tree oil on there and see if  you feel better.
  3. Read a book- Maybe you’re too caught up in your own life, your wheels are turning nonstop and you just need a brief distraction. When those twitter fingers start itching try picking up a novel and get lost in someone else’s story.
  4. Have an Orgasm- You may just need some good quality D. If there’s none available, take matters into your own hands, but walking around with pent up sexual frustration is guaranteed is sure to bring the pettiness out of you. Handle that.
  5. Meditate- Sometimes we just need to silence the inner chatter. The inner voices that tell us we are not enough, that people are out to get us, that that we are undeserving. When we have a clear channel to connect to the Most High, we can recognize our own divinity and use our energy to express gratitude as opposed to using it to tear down someone else.
  6. Take a shit- No really. When all you feel like doing is talking shit it might be because you’re full of it!
  7. Admire yourself- Sit down in front of the mirror and really take a good, hard, long look. Spend time exploring and admiring  your most beautiful features. Get so caught up in self-love and appreciation that your mind doesn’t even have space to consider the next chick and what she is or isn’t doing.
  8. Go for a run- You may just have a lot of stagnant energy you are holding on to. Sometimes you need to move things through your body. Get that ass up and jog. Get some endorphins pumping and watch all those insecure feelings fade away.
  9. Spend some time in nature- Admire God’s creations. The majestic sunset, the birds in flight, the ocean waves….it’s harder to hate when you are in a space of admiration for all living things.
  10. Count your blessings- Everybody is #blessed right? Don’t just hashtag it, embody it. How can you be counting #blessingsonblessings and still be concerned about anything anyone else is doing?

 

Err on the side of NO

Ahhh, November. Cooler temperatures, shorter days, foliage if you’re lucky and an increase in obligations. The end of the year is approaching and many of us feel the pull to reach goals, complete tasks and accomplish things we had on our to do list for 2018. We need to figure out travel plans for the holidays and start making arrangements. What’s on the menu? Who’s making the mac n cheese? Are we doing Black Friday, Cyber Monday or Small Business Saturday? Speaking of Christmas, we need decorations, a tree, an outfit to wear to the holiday party, teacher gifts and we probably should meal prep because we know how fast these holiday pounds can creep up! It’s the season for giving so yes we’ll go to that charity function and sure we probably should get the kids together before folks leave for Thanksgiving and yes we’ll come out and support your art, music, market, class, event etc…..The list goes on and on if we let it.

My plan for this November is to err on the side of NO. NO-vember, cute right?!

Last month I found myself over booked, over scheduled and committed to projects that if I was honest with myself, I wasn’t that enthused about. As women we are natural care givers and it is entrenched in our socialization that we need to make life easier for other people so we err on the side of yes. It’s not that we don’t ever say no but if we can squeeze it in, if we know it would help someone else out, if we have nothing else planned at that very moment then by golly we’ll do it. I’m done with that shit. I read something in The book of SHE: Your heroines journey into the Heart of Feminine Power that really resonated with me.

“If it’s not a full body hell yes! Then its a no.”

When you establish a mind-body connection you can detect reactions in your body easily before your mind goes to work. Butterflies in your stomach, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, changes in breathing, clenching of the jaw, an inadvertent smile, a furrowed brow, feeling like a weight has been lifted off your chest. All of these are your body’s gut reactions. Derived from instinct and experience and made without thought. For me, this November, that’s how I’m going to make my choices. I’m going to err on the side of no unless my full body gives me a hell yes. I will master the art of the graceful decline. I will not agree to things based on what I feel I “should” do. I will not be afraid to disappoint. I will prioritize having space and time to just be and remind myself that allowing for that time enables me to be a better, more relaxed partner, mother, daughter, sister and friend. We’ll see how it goes.

Happy NO-vember!